Confession

This weightloss cycle is a constant rollercoaster in my life. I do extreme yo-yo dieting. I've taken diet pills, I've gone to see a medical weightloss doctor. I've done many things and many programs, but one things always stays true. I am 100% emotional eater. I eat when I'm sad, I eat when I'm depressed, I even eat when I'm happy- I celebrate with drinks- strawberry margarita's, and foods of all sorts. Anything that makes me feel better in that time. It generally relates to food. If not food, my other go-to is shopping. I'm a very mild manic depressive- which I was on anti-depressants for, however I chose to stop them. My depression is currently at moderate depending on what life throws at me, and my anxiety- well, thats another issue in itself. I know what is the cause of my anxiety.

Anyway- food is probably my worst addiction ever. I struggle and kill myself all the time, for such a small loss and then I get disappointed and turn to what comforts me- food, chocolate, ice cream, cookies- chocolate confetti pepridge farms cake (yes, I've sat an eaten a whole one in one sitting). I get to a point where I don't see the results everyone else sees quick enough, and I throw in the towel- as I did last night and ate the chinese food.

There are a number of things that are affecting me, and I just need to make the changes I need to make.

1. I need another job, yes I resigned my position at my current one, but there's some things going on in there that I don't agree with, and I just cannot work the overnight anymore. I've done much research and statistics show that people who work 3rd shift suffer a higher rate of depression, sleep deprivation/insomnia, and obesity, as well as other health problems. I struggle with a sleep schedule, and I gained weight from working this job. I think I need adequate amounts of sleep in order to remain healthy and maintain a healthy lifestyle. This weighs heavy on my health and weight loss success. I nap. I don't get the required amount of sleep and its stressful. Even though i chose to quit this job, I still worry about money, and when and where I will find my next job. My parents of course will help me out, but I hate to ask them for money. I'm getting too old for that.

2. I stress because I've loaned out a lot of money to a friend- I should just face the facts and come to terms with the fact that more than likely, I will never see the 3 grand I've shelled out in the last year. Yes, "borrow" was the word- but more times than not, people don't pay what they owe. I need to find a way to let it go. I can always find a job. I can always make more money. Stressing makes me want to turn to food.

3. School is hard- again stressful. I've put so much money into my education and being at this college for Nursing, and I find myself sometimes questioning... is nursing what I really want to get into? Self-doubt.

There's more, I know... but I'm so tired I need to go to sleep. I got off work at 8:30. I'm ready for sleep- and knowing me- sleep means a 3 hour nap at most, then I'm up for the rest of the day until I go back to work at midnight.