Another Break...a real break

I took a break from life (dieting too- again) But it was a much needed break.... I left one morning to go South with no plan is progress- I just needed to get away.... It was definitely worth the drive. I needed it. I needed to go "home" back to NC.... to refocus my vision. Some people won't understand.... but it was something I needed.

I started a NEW job on Monday August 3rd- and I'm excited to be back to work.... but this week has been so hectic coming off a vacation, 10 hour drive, and starting a new job after being out of work for a bit. I find myself napping trying to catch up on missed sleep. When I was in the south, I went to bed late, and woke up early trying to soak up ever minute of life on "vacation." I even survived the drive there, and the drive back. It was was a way to sort of clear my head.... let go, and get it together.

I'm of course slacking on the dieting, but I'm going to get back on track. I think, even with all my stress that I have found the motivation to get going with something permanent in life. I'm not a fan of exercising, but I really want to tone up my flabby-ness so I need to do it.... even if its only a little.

Life for me is heading in another direction... things will change, but I have to do it. I am happy to say that this is the jump start to me getting myself back on track.

Excuses...

It's no secret that I always have an excuse for why I can't do something. I actually do struggle with following through. There's some things I know I just have to do like work, school, financial stuff.... but when it comes to things for myself... I make excuses for why I can't. Weightloss and exercise and being healthy mainly. When I get in the mindset I know I can do it.... but I'm at a point in my life where I want to throw in the towel and say I just CANT do this right now.... But I know there's no reason for it... other than being lazy. Well, thats what I say, but sometimes I feel myself falling back into being depressed. I just don't want to go back on medications to help it. I know exercise is the best medicine. Endorphins and the feeling you have after a good workout is all the therapy I really need sometimes.... but mustering up the energy is what I just don't have right now.... I bought myself "goal" jeans to look at years ago assuming that I'd be wearing them by now, and honestly I'm not too far off from fitting them if I actually put in the effort...

I know that this is something i have to do for myself. It's my one struggle that has been in my way my entire life.... and I'm up and down and all over and just never know what to do. I lose, I gain, I lose I gain.... it's never ending. I really just want to feel better...

I'm 5 months away from being 30... and I'm no where near where I thought I would be at 30 years old. I managed to screw up a lot, but for once in my life I feel like I'm on the right track to being ok. I think things will start to go better for me.... I just have to stop making excuses for why it's not. Nothing will work unless I do. 

On another note... the interview that I went on ended greatly and I was offered the position. I am happy to finally be going back to work. Starting is a process... I went Friday for new hire paperwork, background check and to be put in the system. I have an appointment Monday for fingerprinting.... but after that I should be good to start training...so by early August I should be starting. I am excited, because it's finally something I feel like I am going to really enjoy. Things just might be looking up.... one day at a time :)

Day 2

I'm trying to stay on track.... it's only day 2, and i mindlessly ate a chocolate chip cookie before I even realized what I did it was gone.... it was only 1 so i'm not too terribly upset, but I have to pay more attention. A lot of the time, I eat because it's there, or I'm bored.... it's not always a craving.... I picked it up and stuck it in my mouth while deciding what I was going to make for lunch. It's ok.... things happen and I am not going to beat myself up over it.... but I am going to make sure the rest of my day is on point!

I put my last load of laundry in the wash... and i've sat here trying to decide whether or not I go to the gym and utilize the gym membership I never use.... or go out and enjoy this weather.... God knows it won't last for long.... I live in WNY- snow capital... lol So summer doesn't last very long. I feel like I want to go out and go walking.... but emotionally I just want to hang out on the couch, and watch Channing Tatum movies all day. The struggle.

Who wouldn't want to watch him all day long? lol :)

I also spent the morning making a food menu for the week with the foods that I have so that I wouldn't have to run out and go grocery shopping for things to "start all over" which I so frequently do.... My veggies have a few more days left in them, so I can finish those tonight and tomorrow. I have frozen steam-able veggies, mixed veggies, and green beans salmon, chicken, pork chops, tuna, eggs... a lot of protein... I have the essentials... I really just need to put forth the effort to make this happen.... but I feel like all I want to do is eat. Though, I am not actually hungry. One thing I'm trying to do is pay attention to when I'm actually hungry or eating out of habit, or because I'm bored or dealing with my life stresses

I'm trying to stay away from the scale. I spend a lot of time obsessing about that number. I need to just suck it up and do what I need to do to get through. Right now I may have to force myself.... but eventually it will become a habit, and I'll want to do it instead of feeling like its a hassle. Hoping for a good rest of the week!

"X" marks the spot

Or the day rather!! I marked it on the calendar.... It's time to put my best foot forward and stop letting so much of "life" interfere with my goals... I used to be so much stronger and have so much will power than I currently do... I think that comes with being broken. I know that I am stronger than I show, and able to accomplish things, but I also know that lately I have been lazy- I lost my motivation, and just can't figure out what I want to do... or how I am going to get back into the swing of things. I do good for a few days and then it's like I never started. 

I weighed myself today. 218.0. I'm starting fresh.... not just for myself, but for the 7 year anniversary of losing my cousin Josh. Today-7 years ago, they found him unresponsive, and he was gone to never come back. He would've supported me, and told me I could do this... He would want me to! So I have to!

I have days where I am so excited and motivated and believe in myself.... then I have days where I say I just can't do this... and apart of me wants to accept that being "fat" is just who I am.... but then I feel like I am just enabling myself, and making excuses to not be better.... because I let food and taste control my life and mind more that I should.... because food is how I cope with my many emotional problems. But I choose not to be on medication because this can be fixed.... I can be fixed. It's just about convincing my mind that I am capable of changing my life. I am capable of being skinny. I am capable of being healthy.... One thing that I hate most of all is that I lack energy so bad. I could sleep a full 8 hours and still wake up tired.... I am always tired throughout the day...and sometimes I just don't know what the reason is.... is it because I didn't sleep good? Is it my stress? Is it because I do feel depressed and don't want to admit to it? Is it my anxiety? And truthfully my anxiety really does take a lot out of me. All of it does really. 

The way I eat has completely changed. I used to be able to cut things completely out and be ok with it... and not even think about it. Low carbing used to be the easiest thing for me to do, but lately I just cannot get into the swing of things. My mother bought the 21 day fix, and I like it... but I also really can't develop a routine on it. I don't know why that is, but I struggle a little bit with it. I thought about returning to weight watchers because for the most part that really gives you free reign to eat all foods, but tracking them is the part I HATE. I hate counting calories and I hate getting point values... it really is such an inconvenience to me. Its partly why I've stuck to low carb because I just know what I can eat. I really like the ideas and method behind Bulletproof because its more about the diet, and well being of yourself.... That's really what makes me want to do it, but I'm not in a good mindset- I don't know how to explain what I mean either. I guess because I spend so much time focusing on how I am going to get by financially until I can get a job underway! And it bothers me that I have all this time off (not working) and I have a gym membership that I should be out using or I should be out enjoying the few summer days that Buffalo accumulates but instead I primarily stay in the house when right now I have all the time in the world to be active! 

One thing that I really wish I could change in my mind is that I enjoy working out. I wish that I could be one of those dedicated people that goes to the gym faithfully. I have to do this... I know I have to...and I can. I'm going to fall many many times... but just because I fall one time or a couple times during the day does not mean that I am unable to recover.... I just have to make it happen...

X marks the spot on the calendar.... no more excuses!

It's been a few days since I've written.

I fell off the wagon a little bit, actually Monday-Wednesday because I went away for a few days to help Atlanta with his daughter while he worked. There is nothing diet friendly about his house.... and though I brought my own fresh veggies for snacks and what not...he made carb filled dinners. I'm hoping that I made better choices through the day to make up for the dinners that I slacked on... but we'll see when I get on the scale Friday. As long as there isn't a gain. I'll feel ok, because I know the choices I made over the last 3 days. Not to mention ttom has been visiting.... and i generally crave carbs and chocolate during this time.

On another note, I am pleased to say that I finally have an interview, after spending the entire night applying for things that I thought would best suit my interests, and experience. I'm hoping that all goes well today. I have to get back working, and get back on my feet. I know that I've had a little trouble the last few months, but I need to keep moving forward. So I've prayed that things would start to look up....and I am hoping that this is going to be where my cloudy skies turn into sunny ones!

I'm trying very hard to remain positive and try not to let things get to me and get my anxiety going. I feel like I have been sleeping better, but unfortunately I do wake up still feeling tired instead of refreshed. I think it has a lot to do with stress which i feel like I always seem to be under.

Well, I am hoping for better days to come! Until Weigh in!

low carbing 101

A little known fact is that the first day of getting back in the saddle is always the hardest.... generally the first 3 days are terrible for me, and then day 4 comes along and I feel like a brand new person!

So far today's been great. I started my morning off with a cup of Bulletproof coffee which i actually absolutely love! The taste is very satisfying for me.... but the down fall of living this way, is what you can't eat...

I was invited to go to the movies this evening, but instead turned down the invitation because I couldn't bear the thought of being around the movie theater popcorn, and not being able to eat it. At least not on DAY ONE.... As much as I'd love to see Magic Mike XXL.... I'm trying to stay committed to my new relationship with food. I know its mind of matter, but sometimes I am very weak minded. I will never know the struggle of drug addiction, but I imagine it is something very similar to the food addiction I have! Though sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the world struggling to not let food control my life. Guess I'll wait until I can rent the movie! But I gotta do what I gotta do!!

I spent most of my morning walking around the grocery store reading labels on everything.... what a way to live!?!?! I ran a couple other errands throughout the day, and found myself driving in silence reflecting on the areas of my life.... my weight, finances, my unemployment, and my relationship that has been hanging on by a thread for quite sometime, my family, etc. I just don't know what to say about any of this at the moment. I felt the anxiety building inside me.... the increase in my heart rate, my labored breathing pattern, and I actually managed to do a little deep breathing exercise I read about and it made me feel better, I tried to change my thoughts and turn them into something positive. Being positive takes energy- and I don't always feel like I have that energy- unfortunately one thing I do is take on other peoples stresses, emotions, and frustrations as my own- it's actually something that all Sagittarius do... I'm guilty, but I let it all affect too much of my life.

One thing that I know, is more than anything I want to be myself. I want to have a job that doesn't abuse me, and that I am happy at. I just want to be able to pay my debts and live comfortably... I want to live a healthy lifestyle... and most of all I just want happiness. I have so many unhealthy obstacles staring me in the face at the moment, and I decided that all I can do is tackle things one day at a time.

#1. I made a plan. I went grocery shopping, and I started my weightloss journey again.

My next step is to thoroughly go through all the ads and apply for more jobs. That's important because I can't move forward and take care of any of my financial stressors until I have a job. I can't think about anything else or move on until I take care of this... it's my sole focus other than working on my relationship with food....

And last but not least... I weighed in this morning... and my starting weight for this time around is 216.8... I am not officially working toward getting back to 211!

Until next time!

Back to basics

I'm BACK!!

First things FIRST---I have to say, I was going through my own blog and looking for my motivation again- since its long been lost.... and I am so very disappointed in blogger because I see now, that I had comments from some wonderful supportive people that I was never notified of....and I feel so terrible about that. I wish I could go through and thank people and write direct comments back to them.... I don't know why I never get a notification of a comment on any of my posts...

SO anyone out there who follows me, and wants to continue- I apologize for my lack of responses in the years prior.... I will definitely make sure I watch out for comments in the future!

So.... Here I am... RE-starting my journey.... when I last left off of my journey in July 2014- I fell off the wagon at 211 pounds.... Since then I have been up and down over the last year gaining back up to 225, and as low as 214, but have not made it back to 211...... With that being said.... my first goal is to get back to 211.

Tomorrow sets the day of starting this new journey- I am still sticking to a low carb/paleo approach- this is what I feel works best for me, and my needs.... I'm a meat eater for sure! Plus the sugar and the carbs that I've been eating a lot of over the last year has left me feeling nothing but TIRED and SLUGGISH.... I always like how good I feel on a low carb regimen....

Not only am I working on myself weight wise, but I am also working on myself spiritually and physically. I am not much of an exerciser, but the goal is increase my activity, decrease my stress levels, and decrease my anxiety- I want to be healthy all around. I think all of these things go hand in hand with why I feel so terrible 98% of the time.... I am under a lot of stress with some personal issues currently in my life, and it interferes with anxiety... I want to learn to control most areas of my life and feel better.

With all of that being said.... I have decided to change the name of my blog..... I will no longer be Fat to Fabulous.... one thing that I failed to realize even at my heaviest weight is that I was fabulous even then... that was the beginning of my journey... I'm now moving on to the next journey and doing a full cleaning of my life overall- haha that's the only way I can describe it at the moment. There's no where but up from here!