"X" marks the spot

Or the day rather!! I marked it on the calendar.... It's time to put my best foot forward and stop letting so much of "life" interfere with my goals... I used to be so much stronger and have so much will power than I currently do... I think that comes with being broken. I know that I am stronger than I show, and able to accomplish things, but I also know that lately I have been lazy- I lost my motivation, and just can't figure out what I want to do... or how I am going to get back into the swing of things. I do good for a few days and then it's like I never started. 

I weighed myself today. 218.0. I'm starting fresh.... not just for myself, but for the 7 year anniversary of losing my cousin Josh. Today-7 years ago, they found him unresponsive, and he was gone to never come back. He would've supported me, and told me I could do this... He would want me to! So I have to!

I have days where I am so excited and motivated and believe in myself.... then I have days where I say I just can't do this... and apart of me wants to accept that being "fat" is just who I am.... but then I feel like I am just enabling myself, and making excuses to not be better.... because I let food and taste control my life and mind more that I should.... because food is how I cope with my many emotional problems. But I choose not to be on medication because this can be fixed.... I can be fixed. It's just about convincing my mind that I am capable of changing my life. I am capable of being skinny. I am capable of being healthy.... One thing that I hate most of all is that I lack energy so bad. I could sleep a full 8 hours and still wake up tired.... I am always tired throughout the day...and sometimes I just don't know what the reason is.... is it because I didn't sleep good? Is it my stress? Is it because I do feel depressed and don't want to admit to it? Is it my anxiety? And truthfully my anxiety really does take a lot out of me. All of it does really. 

The way I eat has completely changed. I used to be able to cut things completely out and be ok with it... and not even think about it. Low carbing used to be the easiest thing for me to do, but lately I just cannot get into the swing of things. My mother bought the 21 day fix, and I like it... but I also really can't develop a routine on it. I don't know why that is, but I struggle a little bit with it. I thought about returning to weight watchers because for the most part that really gives you free reign to eat all foods, but tracking them is the part I HATE. I hate counting calories and I hate getting point values... it really is such an inconvenience to me. Its partly why I've stuck to low carb because I just know what I can eat. I really like the ideas and method behind Bulletproof because its more about the diet, and well being of yourself.... That's really what makes me want to do it, but I'm not in a good mindset- I don't know how to explain what I mean either. I guess because I spend so much time focusing on how I am going to get by financially until I can get a job underway! And it bothers me that I have all this time off (not working) and I have a gym membership that I should be out using or I should be out enjoying the few summer days that Buffalo accumulates but instead I primarily stay in the house when right now I have all the time in the world to be active! 

One thing that I really wish I could change in my mind is that I enjoy working out. I wish that I could be one of those dedicated people that goes to the gym faithfully. I have to do this... I know I have to...and I can. I'm going to fall many many times... but just because I fall one time or a couple times during the day does not mean that I am unable to recover.... I just have to make it happen...

X marks the spot on the calendar.... no more excuses!