I know...

I know I can do this. I've done it before, I can do it again. I just have to set my mind to it like I did in the past.

I think that may be the hardest part for me. I lost a ton of weight once, and I gained it back. I know what it's like to be the skinny girl that all the guys looked at, and now I'm the heavy girl again that no one is looking at. It's not just about the attention, but I don't want to look this way anymore. I want to be healthy. I don't even really have an exact number that I want to weigh, but I know I want to get out of the 200's. I'm still focusing on getting out of the 240's. My weigh in is tomorrow. I feel stressed, and I want to eat. I'm forcing myself to drink water...my stomach isn't growling so I am not hungry. I ate 3 meals, and healthy snacks...so I'm not famished, I just want to get on the scale tomorrow morning and see that the scale says UNDER 240.

I know it may not mean much to others, but under 240 is all I'm asking for right now. After I get there, I will set a goal for something else. I can do this. I have to actively work to get where I want to be though. I have a plan, and a schedule all worked out, for home, the gym, school, and everything else I need to fit in!

I will let you all know how tomorrow's weigh in goes!

Getting Creative...

The other day, I took pictures of myself in black leggings and a black sports bra, and I DO NOT LIKE WHAT I SAW. Of course, it is one thing to look in the mirror, but a complete other to look at a picture, and wonder if everyone else see's you through the lens of a camera! I'm going to print them out and hang them on the back of my bedroom door to remind me of what I DO NOT want to continue to look like. I also wanted them to use them as a reference point for when I start to lose a bigger number and don't see the difference when I look in the mirror. I am planning to take pictures at every 10 pounds. I will actually probably start posting those, once I start losing. I mine as well humiliate myself publicly. haha...

I was also feeling creative, and went to the dollar store and bought myself 2 jars and some stickers and marbles One of the jars I labeled "pounds lost" and the other "pounds to go"

Excuse the picture underneath, I was getting ready to hang that picture on the
wall when I took this picture, and I set the glasses on top of it.

I'm also trying not to focus so much on the number on the scale. I'm working out, and I've really been working with weights, and I know I need muscle in order to burn fat, and etc. So I'm focusing more on burning calories with cardio, and toning my flabby body. I recently saw a picture that I am going to post, because I can only imagine what my body looks like. It's more than likely all fat. Actually I know it's all fat. But to visualize this from this perspective, you see yourself completely different. The amount of the fat in my body needs to decrease, and the amount of muscle needs to increase! I weigh myself a lot...but I plan to take measurements monthly. So Feb. 1st, I am due for measurements.

It was also family dinner night. We went to the grandparents favorite place- Joe's Crab Shack. I ate my usual and a dessert, but it was the only think I've eaten today, so I am not too upset with myself. However, the dessert, and extreme need for chocolate i blame on "TTOM"- I'll be glad when the visit it over nonetheless.

I also have some other motivation! In June, we are planning a trip to Myrtle Beach, and I would like to have lost a good amount of weight, and look toned up in a bathing suit... that's what I have in mind. Not a bikini... because I know I won't be able to wear that, but enough to look decent in a swim suit on the beach.

As for now, I am taking it one day at a time. I've been to the gym more lately than usual, and I've really been working out and feeling great. I've been incorporating water, as much as possible, and I even went and bought a few things from wal-mart- hand weights, resistance bands and a body ball for things to do at home when I can't make it to the gym.  Anyhow, my goal is to just put one foot in front of the other and pick up where I left off day to day even if I do mess up. I cannot give up!

Hope you all are doing well!

A picture from 12/4

Me on the Left! 243.0

This picture was one of my moments when I looked at myself and said- I have to do something about this! This is the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I remember getting ready to go out and thinking I looked pretty good, and avoiding the fact that the jeans I put on in this pic were actually an 18 and I told myself the brand ran small. I'm standing in a group of girls- the skinny blonde in the back who thinks she's fat and hides behind the "bigger girls" then the girl in the green and the girl in the stripes have both lost over 80 pounds since they've had Gastric Bypass surgeries.

Then I look at myself, and I see how full, fat and round my face has gotten. I look at my arms and see how big those have gotten and I say to myself how and why did I let it get to this? The smallest I have ever been in weight was about 167 in the 6th grade. In 7th grade I gained weight and I remember being about 204, and from that time on I spent most of my life at this weight. In 2004, graduating high school I remember weighing 208, and doing everything I could to lose weight. In 2005, I dropped a mass amount of weight- weighing in at 178 and I thought I looked great. Not perfect, but healthy. I was also wearing a size 8-10 (depending on brand). I looked great, and I felt better than I had ever felt before. I just want to go back to that, and I don't know why it is such a struggle for me. I just look at myself in this picture and I look like such a BLOB.

243- HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET THIS WAY?!?!?!?! I've battled with weight issue's my entire life. I remember going on a "diet" at 7 years old because I weighed 121 pounds. I will probably never see those numbers again in life....lol but I would be happy at 178.

I've set a goal in my mind to get out of the 240's. My first goal is to get down to 239. I would be happy to knock off these 3 pounds that fluctuate on and off. I have to start somewhere and this is where I am starting. It may be a tiny goal for some. But a starting goal for myself, and I'm ready to take on this challenge.

I need to spend less time worrying about eating, and exercise. I'm going to have to exercise to burn the calories. I did that Monday and I was absolutely ecstatic that I actually went. I told myself I had to go. I wore sweats to school and said that I was leaving school and driving straight to the gym. Of course I did not do that. I drove home....walked into the house... put my laundry in the wash, and then I sat down and said to myself. What am I doing? I had yet to take off my shoes, so I again said to myself- IF I TAKE OFF MY SHOES, I KNOW I WON'T GO BACK OUT!... So I finished my snack, turned off the tv, and drove to the gym like I said I was going to do. Of course I did a light workout because it's been a long time since having done a workout, but I went, and I feel good about it. It was more than I have done in a very long time. Tomorrow I will do the same thing. Go to school, and on my way home from school, I will make my way to the gym, and I will utilize the gym membership that I let go until now. There's only 5 months remaining. I need to get the best of what's left while I have it.

I've invested in 5 pound hang weights, and some rubber resistance bands for at home. Those are mostly for working out my arms. I have to tone them up, and I will.

This is going to be one of the hardest things I do in life, but I have to regain control over my life before I end up in a position that is NOT good.

Weigh IN Monday...

I just don't understand it! I have been good. I eat within my point range. I rarely use my extra points- at least not everyday, but some days I am hungrier than others. I went to weigh in today and I gained 6 ounces... Their scale is different from my scale at home. My mom says I look like I've lost, but I think she just says it to say it.

I know I am not drinking enough water. Thats a problem I know, I started working out. Someone told me today that I shouldn't weigh in right after I workout. Maybe that was the issue? Oh I don't know. 14 days and I am discouraged because everyone else I hear is losing 2-3 pounds. It's just so frustrating to me sometimes. I try to eat better and healthier and the pound just don't come off!

I keep reading all these articles about drinking water and it seems they all insist, that being overweight you should be drinking half your body weight in water. For me that is 120 ounces. Is that too much? I'm lucky id I drink 32oz, let alone 120oz!

Today's workout:
30 minutes cardio- recumbent bike
50 crunches2
2 sets of several reps of 10-12 arm weights.

Last night I but a chicken taco chili in the crock point. 5pp for 1 1/4 cup serving. It was delicious! I enjoy cooking new things. I'm looking for a recipe for next weeks cooking adventure, maybe not the crock pot this time though.

I don't know what to do, the woman at weight watchers said that maybe the points system doesn't work for me and that I should try the simply filling approach. I just don't know. I want to see results, and I see all the people who don't workout losing weight, and I'm struggling. I guess my body just isn't made like everyone elses. I have to find another approach to this. I refuse to gain anymore weight. I want to lose this. I never thought this would be a goal of mine, but I just want to be 199. I have seeing 2 hundred anything on the scale. I see in pictures where I've put on so much weight and I hate it.

I need to figure something out. I need to make changes.

Friday Night FUN with the family...

A little self control can go a very long way! So, today I think I did very well with myself. Since I am following   WW I am trying extremely hard to track everything I eat. On a day to day basis before starting this, I was eating out ALL THE TIME. I had gone to dinner this evening with my grandparents to one of our favorite places- Joe's Crab Shack. I always order the Classic Steampot- YUM. We used to eat there all the time, but since I'm trying to recreate myself and improve my weight and appearance, we don't go as often. I ordered and ate what I normally get, but before I went I looked in up in the WW dining out guide... can you believe that baby had 32 points for one serving!!!!! Holy Moly! At my weight, my day consists of 38 points, and when you look at it from this perspective, you say WOW no wonder I've gotten to this point I used to eat 32 points for 1 meal on a regular basis. Unbelievable really. At 38 points, I've eaten somewhere around 48. So thankfully I have a ton of flex points left. I try to stay as close to my 38 points as possible and it's really not about deprivation for me it's more about learning to control my portion sizes and distinguish the difference between really being hungry, or just eating out of habit. The good part about my dinner out, was that 1, I actually did not eat the whole potion in the steampot- I gave the left over to my grandparents to take home with them, and 2, I did not use any butter to dip. I ate it as it came out to me! So Kudo's to me. I did however sneak a couple bites of my grandma's dessert Tropical Carrot Cake and yes I did figure out how to tally the points to that too (I counted over just in case tho).

On another note, I bought myself a pair of jeans that I am actually using as "goal jeans" I hung them in my bedroom so that I could look at them, and say I'm going to fit into those babies by the time March comes. I don't exactly know how much weight or inches it will take to fit into them. I snuggly fit into a size 16 right now, and these jeans are a 14, but if I remember correctly the brand of jeans tend to run a little small, so realistically I'm thinking it's more like a 12.

I've been trying to relax and enjoy the last of what's left of my winter break. Monday my life goes back to what it was, but on a positive note. This is my last semester of this program and providing all things go well I will be done in May and taking the boards in the summer. So pray for me because I'm sure this is going to be one heck of a semester! Nursing school is one of the hardest things I've ever put myself through in my whole life! But I know me, I'll take some time off work a while, and advance in Nursing- climbing the ladder slowly but surely.

Overall, things are well. I just can't seem to get myself into exercise mode, and that is the ONLY way I am going to get GOOD results. I really need to get it together.
<--- lol yes, sounds about right.

Looking for my Motivation, and setting GOALS

It's already begun! I'm already stressing myself out about the start of next semester and I am trying to relax and not overwhelm myself. When I stress I eat, and my appetite has been slightly increased for that reason. I've already started using some of my flex points, but I was told "that's what they're there for!" and that I shouldn't be feeling guilty for using them because the points plus system is designed to use them if you need them. I guess that's part of my problem is because I feel like I shouldn't use them so that I could "lose weight faster." I'm a work in progress- so I have to become comfortable with everything, mostly eating when I'm hungry and not when I'm bored...or even stressed really.

The eating isn't really that much of a problem. I have no craving for junk food. In fact, since this is into my second week of eating this way, I am enjoying the fresh veggies and fruits. I'm getting used to eating healthier.

However, this lack of motivation I'm having with wanting to exercise is terrible! I have no ambition or energy to do it. I am really struggling to get up and go. Then, I think to myself- had I exercised when I was thinking about it, I'd be done already and feeling good about doing it... It's a mind battle for me when it comes to that.

Emotionally I am feeling much better, less depressed, but still tired all the time. I honestly think I burned myself out so much in the years prior that I'm still recovering. But who really knows, it could just be all in my head!

SO, on a positive note. I've set a goal for myself that every week or 2 I am going to find a new recipe and make it. My Sausage Kale soup was so amazing that it's sparked up my cooking new and healthy recipes interest.

With that being said... These are my GOALS

1. Eat healthier and track all I eat in my WW tracker.
2. Exercise at least 20 minutes a day. Anything- just force myself to get up and do it.
3. Drink Water. I am terrible with this- I have to drink 64oz of water!!!
4. Every week or 2, find a new recipe to make.

Tomorrow I am going to post current pictures of myself, under my photo tab, because I believe it needs to be done. I need to see it so that I can use it as motivation of what I don't want to continue on with.

I am currently at the heaviest I have ever been in my life. None of my clothes fit at all. I need to get moving with this. I need to find the inner strength and self motivation to improve. Tomorrow is a new day.

Out of Wack day, but staying on the positive!

So today was my weigh in at WW, which its looking like my weigh in for them is going to be on Mondays. Not a bad thing. I did have a loss, not quite as much as I had hoped for, but this week was all about learning a routine. My goal was to TRACK everything I put into my mouth, and I've done that thus far. Then TODAY happened... I had something planned, planned for my day at home, but my mother had off of work today and.....well I did nothing but eat junk and a donut and pizza and wings, and had apple juice- I said SCREW IT. A habit I commonly have.

Tomorrow is a new day, and a NEW Start to this. I am ready to get with the program in full effect. Tomorrow I have things to do, but I am sitting down and planning my meals for the week.

I made this AMAZING Sausage Kale soup for dinner in the crock pot and it's so good, and I made so much I honestly will be eating it probably everyday this week. I can't say that I mind either. It's nice to have something different, and something READY to be eaten. So this week, my meals are spoken for. I have extra points if I need to use them or I'm having an off day.

I have a competition to win by the end of March and I need to stay pumped and on my toes to get this going!

I have a new class schedule starting on Jan. 14th. I need to plan my workouts around that along with lifes day to day events. So I am actually ready to get organized and get it together. I suddenly have this amazing feeling to get MY LIFE and SELF together. I am feeling excited. I kind of feel like I've had a weight lifted from my shoulders.

I am ready. 2013 is ALL ME!!!

I'm BAAAAAAAACK

I've decided that 2013 is going to be a year of changes for me. I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted beyond belief- but it's not time to give up.

I've researched plan among plan, on how I am going to lose weight (mind you since the summer at about 211, I've gained 25 pounds give or take... and I feel absolutely horrible). I am at the heaviest weight I have ever been in my life, and I am completely miserable. My legs hurt, my back aches, none of my clothes fit at all. I look huge. I spend everyday of my life in scrubs or sweat pants and t-shirts. The best thing for me to do is to commit to weight watchers. I've compared so many plans, and tried so many things- that weight watchers is the closest to the good ol' fashioned food pyramid, but with a little extra umph! So as of January 1st, 2013- Weight Watchers tracking it is. I think it's the best option for me because I love food, and as much as I try- I can't completely restrict myself from carbs and things i love. At least this way, I can still eat some of the things I enjoy but in moderation. *portion control* is a big one for me... I need to cut back on the seconds and thirds and desserts made for 2 for just me!

I've now been on weight watchers 360 program for 4 days and I'm feeling pretty good. I'm eating healthier but still eating what I like to eat in moderation. I look at low carb diets and think of how I love the better and I see all the recipes that look and sound delicious, but for me- I have to do it the old fashioned way. I really don't eat sweets. I've been sticking to sweet fruits to help with my sweet tooth, and an occasion bowl of honey nut cherrios- it hits the spot!

I put together a Biggest Loser competition among my friends and I- we all put in 20 bucks and who ever loses the most percentage of weight by the end of March wins the prize- It's motivating... it makes you want to push harder when people are bragging about the pounds their losing.

I'm still working on getting myself into exercise mode, but I just can't get with it this week! It drives me nuts. I have to start forcing myself.