Starting over

It seems like everyday, or every week I am starting over.

I made a doctor's appointment, but they aren't able to fit me in until April. I know there is something wrong because I do not feel "right" I know the amount of weight I have gained has something to do with it. I also feel like my weight gain is due to the anxiety/antidepressant I was put on back in the summer.

I can lose one week, and follow the same plan the next week and gain. I don't know what that means. I think I either needs my meds switched to something different or I need to be taken off them and find a way to deal with my problems on my own.

The worst part of everything is I am physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. This past saturday I literally slept the entire day with no explanation. All I want to so is sleep. My energy level is beyond wiped out, and though school is stressful, it actually isn't that bad. I just don't have the energy to put into studying- It's as if I can't think about anything other than sleeping, or taking or nap, or just plain out laying down. That is not like me. I know I suffer from depression, but even as depressed as I have been in the past, I still was functional.

I've now resorted to tracking my calories on myfitnesspal since it has a convenient little scanner that I can use to scan barcodes. I am still doing replacement shakes for some of my meals, and am eating much healthier. I am also incorporating exercise as often as possible, though I know it is not nearly enough to lose the amount of weight that I want to lose.

Everyday is a challenge for me, but I'm not going to give up. I am trying to eat about 1200 calories a day, and exercise at least 30 mins whenever possible. I really wish the weather would warm up because I would really like to get out there and start doing some walking or bike riding. I have the intentions and attitude to stay active, but I don't know what it is that won't allow me to follow through. The thought alone makes me feel so tired. Sometimes I'm so tired, I literally cry- and there's no reason for it. I just want to feel like myself again, and I don't know what it's going to take to get there. I just cant wait to go to the doctor. Hopefully, I can get some answers to my questions on why I feel so poorly all the time.

Next week is the last week for my biggest loser competition and I am exactly where I started. I have no lost any wight. They want to do it again after Easter, so hopefully I will have more success the second go round.

A day at a time... I just want to lose 1-2 pounds a week. I just want to feel better.

March is Here....

And I'm all over the place!!

So my week on Atkins I lost 6 pounds, that second week, following the exact same thing I did the first week, I literally gained 7....I gained more than I lost.

I have NO IDEA what is wrong with me... AT ALL. I called and make an appointment with the doctor, because something has to be wrong. I cut out all carbs, with the exception of 20-25 grams I followed it to a T. and I seriously gained what I lost plus a pounds. HOW IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!!!

I know I'm stressed with school, and I'm going to crazy, but this weight issue is bothering me even more.

I had gone to the store and needed to get some scrubs because mine are getting snug- and that pisses me off.  I went into the dressing room, and undressed, trying on XL pants and shirts which were still pretty snug, and all I could think was what the HELL...because my scrubs I wear now are larges and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I'm not happy. I look terrible. I have seriously let myself go...in many areas of my life.

My number one problem is that I have NO full length mirror in my house. I don't know what I look like or how I look. So- my next purchase on Wednesday is going to be a Full Length mirror for my bedroom.

I will also be purchasing my elliptical and I am going to use the heck out of that. I don't know what else to do. I'm always fighting this battle.... I'm so tired of it, there's no easy fix for me....